And it’s gonna be a whole lot longer!
Daaaaaaaaamn!

Dizaaaaaaaaaaambo!

Here’s a photo of me giving you the gas face!

• I don’t know where these Saw movies take place, but it’s got to be hard to find warehouse space there. #
• “Sorry, sir, these districts are all zoned for booby trapping the ungrateful.” But I need to store these text books! I hate Saw City! #
• I guess it’s easier to devise an elaborate booby-trap lesson for a character whose flaw is that he “opens too many doors.” #
• Saw IV begins with Saw Guy dead, tells us to “let go of our obsession” [with Saw] then declares the games “have just begun.” Hooked! #
• Not kidding – Saw IV ends with the “lesson” that Saw IV wouldn’t have happened if the hero hadn’t participated in Saw IV. #
• Also not kidding that I now paid 20 dollars to download Saw V. This franchise’s futile struggle to die has made it my hero. #
• A woman in Saw V is reading an article about Jigsaw. Pause it on the text to learn the importance of volunteering for World Youth Day. #
• Jigsaw would be pleased with me, because watching his Saw movies helped me “realize how fortunate I am” when I’m not writing. #
• I’m taking a shit. http://yfrog.com/6fsz5cj #
• I forgot to call my Dad yesterday. #
• I’m taking a different shit on the same day! The opposite of the colloquial worker’s lament! #
• Done tweeting. Time to write, after a quick nap on my office sofa. See you tomorrow at work in my oddly familiar but wrinkled clothes! #
• This studio has aggressive cleaners. In a Freaky Friday-like twist, I am often jarred from my naps by industrious Mexicans. #
• Of all my racist bits, the true racism is in the Mexican stuff because part of me is thinking, “They won’t see this, it’s on the internet.” #
• I had to humanize this relationship. Cleaning lady’s name is “Santos.” Wait, she gave me her last name? I’m a human being. FIRED! #
• Jesus Christ, Santos. Your vacuum cleaner is louder than your namesake’s jolly rooftop cries. #
• Come on, “writer-director” Rob Zombie. You know that hyphen needs some patented slashing. #
• Leaked “story beats” of Community episode 2 via camera phone smuggled into writer’s room: http://yfrog.com/0p8nqj #
• Cat lovers AND haters should enjoy this pic: RT @thedawncody:Kitten sitting tonight for two little space aliens. http://twitgoo.com/xpuq #
• “I can only asume he has been sustaining himself by boring wild game into collapsing at his feet.” Colbert re: governer sanford’s hike #
• I can’t get a good night’s sleep until I know the Zionist media is being blamed for everything by the Iranians that WON that election! #
• RT @StephenAtHome: i forget – are you supposed to put heat on a bad back or fire? #
• Not that I don’t trust @souljaboytellem, it’s just that I’m more used to following his advice on interior decorating than video games. #
• I love how anarchist the Transformers 2 producers suddenly became. The afro-bots are now a triumph of spontaneous folklore. #
• It takes a genius to turn “Pearl Harbor” into a blockbuster, but if we perceive something as racist…hey, that wrote itself. #
• RT @kellyoxford:Why is it that whenever I see unkempt women with large male dogs I assume they have sex with them? #
• I’ve decided my brief access to NBC’s Thursday 9:30 slot would be best used educating viewers on the dangers of vaccination. #
• I don’t know how close I’ll ever be to the writers breaking episode 3 after what I’ve been through with the writers breaking episode 4. #
• By the way, also: I’m taking a shit. http://twitpic.com/8ew62 #
• If I furtively grab one more snack while walking out of this kitchen, I’m liable to redefine what it means to be a woman on television. #
• Seriously. I’m about to win a Golden Globe for Most Munchies up in this shit. #
• If you can help Iran, help me: was there a celebrity whose friend revealed he would drive him around in an ice cream truck with a peephole? #
• Yes, TV. You don’t understand why we can’t just watch TV shows ABOUT internet clips. You’ve made your case and we’ve made our decision. #

• Well, now I feel like Tyler Perry just wants attention. #
• I don’t think the wisdom and courage it takes to suggest I’m wrong should ever be punished by having to work with me. #
• If your boss wants a pitch, he’ll make a blind offer, and if I want to run stuff by a girl half my age, I’ll make a haircut appointment. #
• RT @AmyRoiland: went to an Armenian wedding and it was AMAZING #
• totally updating my iphone firmware RIGHT NOW. How’s THAT for news, IRAN?! #
• Has anyone checked to make sure that the Iranians we’re rooting for are even Christian? #
• Is there any data available on the lifespan of doctors? They better live longer than the rest of us or the fucking jig is up. #
• That story about your baby would have been more accessible to me if it had been told from the perspective of a social hostage. #
• My last two tweets are going straight to my favorites library. I knocked them out of the fucking park. #
• I’m sorry I keep saying “fucking” in all my tweets. I know most of Iran is reading this. #
• RT @StephenAtHome:note to self: become italian prime minister #
• trying to sync my google calendar with my iCal and iphone’s ical in both directions and not understanding why it should be so hard. #
• RT @JeffBryanDavis:I can help democracy in Iran by turning my tweets green? I can’t believe it’s that easy. They must be pretty embarrassed. #
• 1: tape president swatting fly. 2: contact PETA for statement. 3: overcook for entire week. Serves one bankrupt nation. #
• RT @brianwysol:I feel ripped off. “Extra Strength” Tums are just gigantic-sized regular Tums. #
• RT @kellyoxford:RT @douggpound Some dude in a Mitsubishi Mirage just cut me off on Riverside. Or did he? #
• iPhone 3GS, what do you want to make people end voice commands with prepositions for? #JokesForMyMenopausalGadgetLovingTeacherDemographic #
• The size of this new office makes me feel overrated, but I get the impression from sitting here that I have the power to replace me. #
• Girl with sign for Jonas brothers: “I came from Argentina to see you.” Yeah? I came from being rich to play for you. Where’s my medal? #
• These poor kids holding up their phone cameras. You’re not getting a better shot than the Today show. And you’re ON TV. Enjoy the show. #
• This concludes my Jonas Brothers Today Show Appearance Observational Tweeting Session. #
• Today throws it to my notably busty local weather lady. She throws it back. They play “She’s a Brick House” (real estate segment is next) #
• An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters would refuse to write Dune. #
• I wish whoever writes Bill Maher’s ending monologues had a show so I never had to nod my head at a guy dressed like Max Headroom. #
• Saw III is really putting the “saw” in “Hope you saw the other Saw movies.” #
• If you’re watching Saw IV and saying “this is stupid,” there’s only one idiot in the room, and it ain’t Saw IV! #

• Hey! I just now realized the profoundly ironic expression of self hatred behind urban culture’s use of the word “dope” to mean “good!” Wow! #
• I think whites should own THEIR demons by saying things like “your new haircut looks lobster” and “that car is … slavery.” #
• I guess slavery sounds like savory. And you can’t say “that movie was slavery” because a lot of movies ARE slavery (Sparticus, E.T., etc.) #
• Although, I guess white culture expresses its own self loathing profoundly enough by relying on AGGREGATED slang to express enthusiasm. #
• From now on, in the interest of sincerity, when I like something, I’m calling it either “black people” or “masturbation.” #
• That’s even more confusing, though. “Hey, I saw Star Trek. The story was myself, but the special effects were pretty black people.” #
• “Jenkins, these drinks are on me. Your proposal to our investors this morning was positively African American.” #
• “I haven’t seen a sales pitch quite that teenage cheerleader since fall. Very, very black person. Jerking off job, Jenkins. Jerking off.” #
• Was lured to show runner’s meeting that mentioned “drinks,” which turned out to be iced tea. Strike one, NBC. Strike one. #
• Anti-terrorism laws are great for rounding up domestic nuts. In any way that matters, our left and right wings always flap as one. #
• Eating quarter pounders made him very happy. He loved eating them. #ThingsToSayAtMyWake #
• Test #

• Obama’s speech in Cairo put a “you must be this tall” sign next to the line outside the ride of punditry. #
• I have never tripped on my laces. I only tie them to make people stop telling me they’re untied. #
• Why don’t you focus less on my shoes and more on the undone laces of your fucking identity? #
• They’re fucking shoelaces. If you want to connect with someone, express YOUR lack of completion. Weep. Confess. Share. #
• I guess I could just buy a pair of loafers…but Jesus Christ, how much time and energy do I put into keeping you comfortable? #
• I’m already wearing clothes because everyone’s so powerless they have to play poker with their dicks and tits. Now I have to tie shit, too. #
• Whoever stole my Fallout 3 will be happy to know it’s such a good game that you’d buy another copy if someone stole it. #
• It’s almost worth having chronic heartburn just to bond with the scary tatooed Mexican liquor store clerk about our malady. #

• Oh! I guess NEXT time I fly first class, I’ll ALSO pay to be blinded and crippled so I REALLY get to board the plane first! #
• If I was a spectral giant and my touch could do no harm, I’d run my palm across LOS ANGELES. I’m fucking home! #
• Jesus Christ, twenty references to Star Wars and counting. #ETdoesntholdup #
• This movie drags more ass than its titular character. #ETdoesntholdup #
• What the fuck does “Cintus Supremus” mean? Let me guess: something to do with Star Fucking Wars? #ETdoesntholdup #
• I don’t get it, does the cocksucker want to eat Reese’s Pieces or give the fucking things back? #ETdoesntholdup #
• Yeah, we get it, he has keys. Does anything happen in this turd or what. #ETdoesntholdup #
• Why is one of the astronaut people reaching through the living room window like a monster? Who trains these assholes? #ETdoesntholdup #
• Is there a reason the alien and the kid are connected – other than to make the movie longer? #ETdoesntholdup #
• Is he faking dead? Does the flower make him alive? What the fuck is going on? Good cinematography, though. #ETdoesntholdup #
• TAKE YOUR TIME, E.T. The guns had to be walkie talkies but you couldn’t cut twenty minutes of air. #ETdoesntholdup #
• Oh, I see, he came back to life because his ship is back. In other words, SOME CONFLICTS JUST SORT OF SOLVE THEMSELVES. #ETdoesntholdup #
• By the way, if worse comes to worse, WE CAN FLY to the end of the movie. Zero conflict. The anti-Jaws. Stink bomb. #ETdoesntholdup #
• Okay, I was just drunk from the flight back from Hawaii, ET’s not such a bad movie. #ETdoesntholdup #
• RT @bradynovak:Tried to recreate Mel Gibson’s DUI. 5 hours in I realized I was at Duke’s, not Moonshawdows. I blame the Jews for my mistake #
• RT @joelmchale:I love toy trains #
• It makes me sad that my housekeeper works on Memorial Day. This is the day we all sleep in. Now I can’t. Now she’s fired. #
• Brewster’s Thousands (of Complicated Rules) #AlternateTitlesForBrewstersMillions #
• I’m not clear on the “hiring people” clause of Brewster’s inheritance. Can’t he hire a plumber for 30 million and be done? #
• One of the rules is that “he can hire people, but he has to receive value from their services.” Good rule. Expensive haircut. Done. #
• By the way, you may have noticed it’s 4AM. Insomnia? Jet lag? Watching The Savages with Erin. I love this movie. #
• They could have said “you can only hire people for the job and amount they claim on their tax returns.”
  #FixBrewstersMillions #
• That’s a measurable rule. And exploiting it would tee up the bits they were trying to get. Hire Wolfgang Puck to make breakfast, etc. #
• And nothing you buy can be given away for less than its lowest recorded value.
  #FixBrewstersMillions #
• Trying to sleep by watching a 1942 Sherlock Holmes film. It’s just making me tweet, which wakes me up due to self fascination #
• Have been sparing 13 extra letters on tweets in anticipation of people needing to re-tweet me. Not kidding. Actual thought. #
• Spent extra long getting my “first class blind crippled” airline tweet to 133 letters. As an apparent favor to “my public.” #
• I enjoy the precise arrangement of words into configurations that honor external restrictions while expressing internal things. #
• I should leave fourteen characters instead of thirteen, so when you re-tweet me, you can leave a space after “RT @danharmon.” #
• Unintelligbly British NAZI era snoozer failed to snooze me. “Get Smart” is making me get sleepy, just in time for my job. #
• By the way, I didn’t mean to imply that “Get Smart” was boring. I’m sleepy on my own. Watch Community, this fall on NBC, after The Office. #
• I’m glad there’s more than one way to skin a cat because apparently, there’s only one way to get a night’s sleep, and that’s to skin my cat. #
• RT @rejectedjokes: Saw a Lamborghini with a New Jersey license plate. That is like a guy putting Tag body spray on top of his Axe body spray in reply to rejectedjokes #
• Either I’m an inordinately stationary defecator or this bathroom light’s motion detector needs recalibrating. #
• I learned from that motion detector that I fear pooping in the dark more than I fear pooping while constantly waving my arms. #
• “Well, if all you want is a hug from a black person, maybe you should just host The Price is Right.” – 30 Rock #

• Fact: Hundreds of pope facts go unnoticed every day because their publishers aren’t following hashtags. #popefacts #
• How is this still not working? I really don’t get hashtags yet. #popefacts #
• Sticking a fork in our Hawaiian vacation…having stuck a fork in every other damn thing on the island. Holy fat happy slob. #
• Where was I. To do: Adjust weird resort haircut. Second through thirteenth episodes of something to follow The Office. Feed cat. #
• Now that I’m on the plane, I feel it’s safe to say this: Hawaiian people look like Chinese Mexicans!!!!! #
• Totally tweeting while taking off! FAA fuck you! http://bit.ly/19eSEP #
• Yooooooooooo! http://bit.ly/19eSEP #
• Yaaaaaaaah! http://bit.ly/19eSEP #
• Weeeeeeee http://bit.ly/19eSEP #
• Yaaaaaaaaaawn! http://bit.ly/19eSEP #
• Jesus. http://bit.ly/znz9A #
• Oh, crap. I forgot we got Orbitzed. Flew to a different island so we could fly to L.A. http://bit.ly/wyhtT #

• Secretly envying Erin’s ability to jog at 5am even while on vacation, I mutter a sleepy warning about the “sugar cane rapist.” #
• I accept a sea food place at your aquarium, because there are aquariums at sea food places…but when you smoke the fish..I can smell it.. #
• In the end, you’ll be able to chart my life as a bell curve, with X as my age and Y as how right my first guesses tended to be. #

• Hawaiian resorts, like churches and nurseries, bring an extra layer of humor to a fart. #
• The torch lighting ceremony isn’t about the girls and the glamour. I’m having this guy’s conch shell revoked. http://twitpic.com/5loe2 #

• Just now recalling that last week, my cat took a shit in my bed, which I discovered by rolling around in it, and I never tweeted about it. #
• Also recalling that my girlfriend, in explaining our throwing away the sheets to my housekeeper, said, “the cat had an accident.” #
• RT @morgan_murphy: I’m going to make a decal sticker of Calvin peeing into an actual toilet. For cars driven by normal people with manners. #
• That bump on my scrotum was just a pimple, so either my show won’t be airing or my cancer is in a place I haven’t checked. #
• If you’re an actor that has a problem with my use of the word “celebrity,” I have a larger problem with your use of the word “problem.” #
• I file all my best tweets so I can use them in my own TV show. So don’t get any ideas, @30Rock and @650ReasonsForLucy’sDaysAndNightsToDate. #
• Sorry, I’m told the person that gave me that second show’s name was kidding. #
• Jesus fucking Christ, I’m really tweeting like god damn crazy tonight. I’m fat and I have acne on my back. And the weiner of a baby dog. #
• Hi, I’m Dan Harmon, I eat poop and aids, and write in the voice of someone that hacked my account. What an original idea. I’m stupid. #
• trending topic: #redhotpooper? Society, I can’t stay mad at you. #